Stop Shoulding Yourself

Should.

This familiar word wraps me up in its arms and holds me close, filling me with guilt and comforting me with an apology to the world. Its unrelenting judgment soothes me with its familiarity. The addictive powers of “Should” pull me into their welcome grasp and leave me humiliated by my lack of willpower, sneaking out of their apartment after the lust has disappeared and all that’s left is the cold grey light of disappointment. 

“Should” Pressures Us

When we say “I should,” we state what we insist we must do. We hear the blog post or a parent’s stern admonition or the guru we follow. Actions we believe someone else or our community or the world demands of us. Each time you say “I should,” an unfulfilled assumption unfurls from your tongue, and guilt breaks through the dam surrounding your soul, flooding it with disgust.

Guilt around these “I shoulds” helps no one. Guilt fills your brain up with static, refusing to allow anything else entry. Where is the room for your writing? Gone because you’re feeling guilty about not writing!

It’s a vicious cycle, and it’s one inflicted on us by ourselves.

Luckily, one radical practice frees you from this cycle.

Stop using the word “should.”

That’s it. Excise “should” from your vocabulary. Does it sound easy? Because it is not. That “should” is trained into us by our family, our schools, our community, our society. Shaking it loose takes time and effort. This is why it’s a practice—not a quick fix!

The first step? Stopping your mouth from forming the word.

And the real trick to stop the cycle and avoid the guilt trip from yourself?

Define the expectation. When you stop that “should,” replace the word with another one. What’s the first word that comes to mind to replace it? Why that word? What does that word tell you about this expectation you hold?

Inquire why you must do this thing that you “should” do. What goal is achieved by doing it? Can the goal be met by taking a different action?

The rote “I should ” now becomes an “I can.” Or maybe, the “I should” becomes an “I don’t need to” or an “I want to.”

And that’s ok.

This transformation of the “should” redirects your energy from wallowing guilt into practical action. It encourages you to work on goals infused with your meaning rather than the goals that you imagine everyone expects.

And that is what I am asking you to do by releasing “should” from your vocabulary. Let’s give it a try.

One of my not-so-favorites is “I should work on my writing.”

First, I eliminate the word and substitute it with another. My first thought is to use “will” in its place. Immediately, “will” sends up a flare of alarm. That word sets up a new way to add pressure. Bye-bye, “will”!

However, “I can work on my writing” tells me that working on my writing is possible.

Now I ask why.

Why can I work on my writing?

Because I can physically work on my writing. I can sit down at the computer and type words into the document and write. It’s a possibility.

Why am I not working on my writing?

Because I work hard all day and I’m tired at night. And on the weekend, I have to do my chores and recover from the week. And I’m at a place in my writing where I feel weak.

Now I have some good information! Now, instead of just feeling guilty, I can delve into the reasons behind my excuses. And solutions to very real problems can reveal themselves.

• Maybe I can ask my wife to help with the chores and free up a little time for me to write on the weekend.

• Maybe I can rise early in the morning to write before work since I’m tired at night.

• Maybe I can let myself off the writing hook for a couple of weeks until this super-stressful deadline at work has passed.

• Maybe I can strengthen my work by committing to improve just one sentence a day. Or every day-ish.

Options exist. A potential solution reveals itself.

And the “should” no longer controls my thoughts.

The practice of stopping your “should” cycle is one that you will find needs constant attention, especially for the first few weeks. Once you start noticing your “shoulds,” they will surprise you with their frequency. Over time, their presence will slow to a trickle, but never quite disappear. Perfection in this practice may not be possible (I certainly haven’t found it yet!), but committing to the practice of inquiring into your “shoulds” can empower you to make progress toward your dreams.

One final thing—sometimes what the “should” reveals is that you don’t really want to pursue that goal. It’s just a goal that other people expect of you but doesn’t align with your heart. Or it’s a thing or action that someone has told you that you need to get to your goal but the action or thing doesn’t ring true for your journey. If the answer you discover in your inquiry is “That feels wrong to me,” respect your inner voice and find another way.

“Should” happens. Inquiring into each “should” reveals the reasoning behind the expectation. Facing the actualities of each “should” reveals a list of barriers that you can overcome to achieve your real goals. Delving into the options each “should” reveals empowers you to take action.

Begin where you are. Define the expectation. Ask “why.” Try not to judge yourself for falling into the “should” trap of expectations.

We all do it.

And the lessons we learn from those “shoulds” empower us to achieve our heart's goals.

*This post is informed by and uses Kaizen-Muse Creativity Coaching Tools™.

LA (as in tra-la-la) Bourgeois uses Kaizen-Muse Creativity Coaching tools™ to break down resistance, procrastination, and overwhelm while gently encouraging you with humor and heart. Are you ready to embrace joy as you pursue your creative goals? Discover more at her website, labourgeois.biz

Active Listening as a 9-1-1 Dispatcher Made Me a Better Writer

 

                                                      Photo by Hack Capital on Unsplash

Active listening as a 911 Dispatcher taught me to listen with attention, so I know the right questions to ask when listening on the phone, listening to clients, or listening to my characters.

The role of a 9-1-1 Emergency Dispatcher and Call Taker is as a first responder. They are the first line of assistance to anyone calling on the phone for help. They are the only link to help and information available to the caller in the middle of a crisis and the emergency units responding.

In that position, you only know what you are told or can hear. Obtaining priority information is important to the safety of all, and to a quick response. People in crisis often do not know what to do, or what to tell you so you can help them. It is all dependent on the call taker asking the right questions to obtain vital information.

I worked in 9-1-1 public safety telecommunications for twenty-three years. One of the skills you acquire is active listening. Active listening is more than just hearing what is said; it is understanding the undertones of what is spoken and reaching the right conclusions.

In emergency situations, interpreting the background sounds provides a lot of information that can’t be spoken, but you can hear it. That information might tell where the person is who has no idea where they are such as a child, or injured person or a lost visitor in your city.

Background sounds can reveal misinformation and lies by the sounds you hear when talking to people, which is a trick you can use when telling your stories. Those background sounds might reveal where an active shooter is within a large building when the caller can’t tell you.

Getting creative with this technique is a terrific way to reveal character, setting, and situation.

One of my roles as a writer is listening to my clients talk about their stories in one-on-one coaching.

Sometimes it is not what they are saying that reveals the right question to move the story forward but how they say it, or the emotion or emphasis in their words as they talk about a situation.

Paying attention to those little nuances cue me in to the underlying problem, and the reasons they are stuck or have lost their way in the story they are trying to tell.

Just because you hear someone does not mean you are actively listening. A definition I like for the word listen is “give one's attention to a sound.” This is called active listening.

Listening with attention means not trying to second-guess what is being said to you, interpreting what you think you hear, or drawing conclusions before you have heard all the necessary information. Don’t assign the obvious by second-guessing the speaker.

Always listen to the tone and emphasis on words being said or the word choices that are made or not made when speaking. It is as much about what is not said as it is about what is said. Pay attention to phrases and repeated words.

Using the technique of having your character misunderstand or second-guess others can help you create conflict and misunderstanding in your story. Sometimes it is what is not said that is the heart of the problem.

As writers, we get overwhelmed with all our story knowledge, or world-building or character profiling, and can’t see the tree for the forest.

Yes, that is cliche, but appropriate.

Body language is a big part of active listening.

As a dispatcher and call taker, I spent a large majority of time on the phone, but we often had walk-up traffic to the dispatch window.

When talking to people in person, active listening involves watching their actions and behaviors. Pay attention to unspoken communication and even use your sense of smell in rare situations.

Learn to use unspoken communication in your writing as well. Sometimes it is the little things or the appearance of unimportant things that can tell worlds of information about a situation or a person.

For example, the smell of their breath could indicate drunkenness or sickness. Are they staggering because they are drunk or is it a medical emergency you need to have an ambulance respond to?

Are they yelling, saying inappropriate things, or cussing at you because they are in a rage or might they have Tourette's Syndrome or some other extenuating circumstance causing the behavior?

Staying calm and listening is the fastest way to help them resolve the situation taking place. Attentiveness helps you determine the best action to take in a seemingly hostile situation. It may be as simple as getting out of that person's line of vision and allowing someone else to talk to them — and yes, that happened to me.

Applying active listening to your writing.

Active listening can help you learn several things in your writing, including how to convey a lot in a single scene without excess words or info-dumping. It also can make the scenes active rather than passive, and convey character action, setting, and conflict in a more natural way.

When I am writing, sometimes my characters are talking to me, but I’m not actively listening to them. When I listen to what is not working in someone else’s story it helps me to recognize what is not working in my own stories.

Here are a couple of exercises you can try:

Think about the last time someone told you something while smiling but you knew that person was irritated with you. What did they look like? Use your words and senses to convey that.

Think about the last time someone told you they were fine, or they were not mad, but you knew they were. What body language did you observe that gave it away?

The next time you sit down to write, try actively listening to your characters and see what happens. The techniques you learn through listening can save you words in the writing, helping with show don’t tell.

More reading: 93% of all communication is nonverbal.

Where to Begin Your Book Marketing Research

Marketing – most authors dread it. And not just doing it. Researching it, too. Where to begin?

This site offers a list of marketing options, both on the Marketing and the Self-publishing pages. And below, we’ll break down some specific areas and feature some very large databases.

Looking to make some bookstore appearances? Start here:
Biblio - world-wide database
Indiebound - primarily USA but pulls up some stores across the border
American Bookseller Association Member Directory

The key is to find a database specifically for your country. Here are a couple countries to get you started:
Irish Books - stores in Ireland
Indie Bookshop Week - UK stores
Australia Bookshop Directory

Let’s not forget library appearances! Perfect for children’s books, non-fiction, and anything historical, although with the right angle, any book is a good fit. Start here:
Library Technology
Public Libraries

Here are some more specific:
SC Libraries
Georgia Libraries
Louisiana libraries
Libraries Ireland

Don’t forget the media! You need to get the word out about your book and any appearances. Start here:
Online Newspapers - world-wide database
On the Radio - USA database of radio stations
Nexstar - their USA stations
En-Academic - list of television stations in most of North America

Will you be going to book festivals, trade shows, or comic cons? Start here:
Library of Congress - list of book events in USA
Book Reporter - book events in USA
Trade Show News Network - trade shows world-wide
Upcoming Cons - USA comic cons
Convention Scene - list of many different types of USA cons

Finally, don’t forget getting reviewers for your book. Reviews are the MOST important marketing opportunity for your book. Start here:
Book Sirens - one of the largest databases of book reviewers
Book Blogger List
Book Review Directory
The Indie View
Reedsy
Online College
Kate Tilton - large list of reviewers

And some more genre specific:
Published to Death - fantasy & science fiction
Feedspot - children’s books

There you have it! Now you know where to begin.